So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I need a beard to bite.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize