Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I'm bleeding and have questions
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
