how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize