do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
