mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
