I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
