meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize