threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
