Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
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