I bet he comes in French.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
