found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
