I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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