I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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