He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
