I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
