I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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