If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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