Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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