he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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