my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
