Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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