Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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