so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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