im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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