Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
