My Higher Power is John Stamos
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
