if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize