seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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