Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
