Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
