my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
