Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
