He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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