mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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