I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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