i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
