I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
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