Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
