That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i just google imaged poop.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize