I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
