we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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