I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
