I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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