I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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