I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
