My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
