Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
My balls are so social today.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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