im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize