dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
