im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
