Do you still have your period?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
