Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Randomize
