Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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