so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize