Pappa wants mamma naked
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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