I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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