he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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