Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize