OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Who died my cat blue again?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
