My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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